Things Minnesota Does "Best": Most Lakes

According to a quick search, there are actually 11,842 lakes in the "Land of 10,000 Lakes", i.e. Minnesota. Holy mackerel! That's even more than the state prides itself on. How modest. You know what's even better than 11,842 lakes? An ocean. Things that oceans have include: swimmers, surfers, large gorgeous, white sand beaches, cruise ships, sharks and other forms of exotic sea life. Here's what Minnesota's lakes have to offer: about a 4-month period of time when they aren't frozen solid, zebra muscles, fecal contamination, dirt or grass beaches and small, uninteresting perciforms.

What's so great about having 10,000+ lakes in a single state? Are people suppose to flock from all corners of the globe to marvel at the large quantity of lakes we have? Are they suppose to visit each pointless little body of mud water and bask in it's splendor? Should they be at all impressed that Minnesota has so many of something that none of it's residents have anything to do with? No. It's another trivial thing that Minnesotans pat themselves on the back for as if coastal regions would trip over themselves to visit even ONE of the stupid Minnesota lakes.

The only lakes that even remotely matter are The Great Lakes - Lake Superior, Lake Michigan, Lake Huron, Lake Ontario and Lake Erie. However, these lakes aren't in Minnesota, only near it. Lake Superior boarders only a piece of the far Northern corner of the state. And the only reason that these lakes "matter" is because they're huge. Huge by lake standards, at least. As far as other lakes that Minnesota thinks makes them America's sweetheart... who cares? You can take your boat out on some of them during the aforementioned number of months in each year or sit in a frozen outhouse during the winter and fish through 6-feet of ice. Again, do they expect people to travel from Miami Beach to sit out on a frozen, blustery lake and drink Guinness?

As far as swimming, some lakes are swimmable, but they're never very pleasant to do so in. The lake beaches I've been to are usually virtually sandless and are no less than 7-feet from the parking lot. Aside from that, they're usually full of overweight elders and naked babies and the water is murky and polluted.

Minnesota, every state has lakes. Many states exist on the coastline. Nobody is impressed by the number of big, dirty puddles you have. When people start flying in for Spring Break you can brag all you want.

-Flotsam

Things Minnesota Does "Best": Food

The topic of food being brought up in relation to Minnesota, as though the state reigns supreme on the nation's culinary spectrum, is always chill-inducing for me. This is one of those things that I'm sure every state/city does, to an extent, but Minnesota revels in such a narcissistic certainty that they could compete with the likes of other states or cities with legitimately refined, world-known, culturally-based eateries. Once again, it's an example of unabashed pompousness as a way of over-compensating for self-evident irrelevancy in the eye's of it's surrounding 49 states.

So what does Minnesota have to offer, in terms of food? Well, if you were to observe any local media outlet you would surly pick up on what the Twin Cities consider "high end" cuisine, which overall, basically amounts to bar food. Yes, hamburgers. French fries. Onion rings. Club sandwiches. Typically, the more battered and deep-fried the better. The majority of Minnesota's benighted food pride can be be heard during the twelve grueling days of the Minnesota State Fair, where your hunger for grease-soaked junk food is satiated thanks to endless rows of vendors peddling over-priced morsels of trans fat on a stick. One of the largest gatherings of gluttony the country has to offer, in fact.

Other than that, every postage stamp-town, across the board, has their treasured local burger joint where you can "get the BEST burger ever". First of all, I have yet to have the "best burger ever". There is NO "BEST burger ever". It's an entirely subjective statement. I've had decent-to-good burgers in sit-down restaurants, bars, Wendy's, Burger Kings, etc. It all depends how you like your burger patty cooked and what you like on it (cheese, condiments, vegetables...). Or even if you like burgers at all, which not everyone does. I think burgers are fine. I've never had a burger that elicited a reaction that prompted the statement "this is a REALLY good burger", let alone "this is the BEST burger ever". Burgers are just there. In fact, they're pretty much everywhere. Burger options even exist in many ethnic restaurants for people who hate trying new things.

That's not to say Minnesota is completely without other types of food. It's just that Minnesotans generally prefer more familiar types of Americana-placed tactility, as opposed to leaving that 'comfort zone'. This mainly stems from a self-admitted Minnesota trait that has dubbed the state as the "Land of Bland". Another source of bizarre pride, along with the embarrassing "Minnesota nice" phrase, in which locals embrace their weak palates and strive to avoid zesty or spicy sensations in food. The only acceptable flavor is that of grease.

So in a place that boasts of it's burger joints and run-of-the-mill diners above all else and has found complacency, if not overt joy, in rejecting more adventurous and worldly types of food, they have still managed to climb atop a 'high horse' of egomaniacal elitism based on absolutely nothing. It's a complete lie fabricated by the self-importance that the state spews to it's small-minded sheep herds whose ignorance keeps them in the fantasy world of false superiority where they mundanely dwell.

-Flotsam

Things Minnesota Does "Best": Seasons

Yes. Every season to the absolute extreme. We don't just have winters; each winter is the "coldest winter on record". And winter usually cuts into the better part of Spring, which then typically leads us into many days/weeks of unbearably humid Summertime conditions. Not just hot, but muggy, zero-oxygen sauna heat. In all, these wonderful seasons leave us with probably, on average, 4 weeks each year of moderately comfortable weather.

Realistically (and I don't think I'm telling any 'outsider' something they don't already know), snowy winter weather dominates Minnesota's climate region. That's obviously why it's residents pride themselves on "embracing the warm weather". Because we here have to pride ourselves on EVERYTHING. Staying indoors 8-9 months out of the year and finally setting foot on green grass is the principal objective of living in such a harsh tundra of iced over misery. Things people in warmer sections of the country (or world) take for granted, like barbecuing, bike riding, boating, gardening, picnics, reasonably safe driving conditions, etc., are enjoyed to their fullest in Minnesota because, before we know it, it will be snatched away and locals won't be able to walk out their front doors without having to conceal every bit of exposed skin at the risk of it turning black from unforgiving sub-zero wind chills.

Seasons are inconvenient and nothing to appreciate or cherish. People in the south, southwest and west coast don't care that it doesn't snow during Christmas and neither would Minnesotans once they realized they can drive to work without having to chisel 2-inches of ice from their windshield on a blustery, dark winter morning. That's not fun or endearing. Just because you live here and tolerate unlivable weather doesn't make you special. Your cognitive dissonance doesn't make you superior to anyone who chooses to live in a consistently warmer place. Bragging about it just makes you look needy for some kind of elitist form of notoriety.

-Flotsam