The Great Mille Lacs Walleye Mystery: SOLVED

Regarding this great mystery surrounding the depletion of the walleye population in Lake Mille Lacs - I love how the Minnesota Department of Natural Resources seems baffled by the cause.

Well, here it is...

Many years ago, the Mille Lacs Band of Ojibwe lobbied the state government to allow them to net walleye to feed the hungry gamblers at their tax exempt casino. Is this coming back to you? If not, do you remember angry anglers and resort owners, including Bud Grant on the capital steps screaming "NO!". Well, Bud and friends were right! The DNR blew regulating and monitoring the take by natives. Do you remember the casino advertising dirt-cheap walleye dinners? Also, the stories of black market walleye sales to bars and restaurants in the Twin Cities? Coolers full of fillets packed into the trunks of cars...

Don't be fooled. It's a "perfect storm" of corruption, incompetence and the feel-good stupidity that seems to run this state.

-Max

Police State Minnesota: The Land of No Fun

The Twin Cities' police departments are engaged in an ongoing war with it's citizens who make the unfortunate misstep of deciding to go out for an evening of fun. An aggressive campaign was initiated, stating that DUI enforcement has been stepped on Minnesota roads and that "buzzed driving IS drunk driving". It could be argued that this crusade is just in the interest of public safety and it's an easy argument to blindly make if you are a police officer, a state representative or an avid supporter of either, but this is all steadily resulting in a counterproductive breakdown in state revenue aggregation. Once you have turned a municipality into a ghost town, where is this bulk of the government wealth to be generated?

Now, saying that it's all in the name of 'public safety' is completely ignorant and if you truly feel that way, I strongly pity your naivety. It's nowhere near as "honorable" a mission as you would wish to think. I'm all in favor of people resisting the urge to get behind the wheel whilst intoxicated for my own safety as a potentially accompanying motorist who doesn't want his life cut short by the alcohol-soaked stupidity of some poor-judgment making individual. However, I can attest that not everyone leaving a bar is debilitated to the point of being incapable of operating a vehicle. What the "buzzed driving IS drunk driving" statement so boldly implies is that having any bit of alcohol in your system is not only a danger, but illegal. State law declares that a BAC reading of .08 or over is illegal. Whether or not you are personally affected by a .08's worth of alcohol swimming through your bloodstream or are a "lightweight" who feels drunk around the .03 mark is entirely irrelevant in regards to Minnesota state law unless, of course, you are unfit to drive in such a condition and clearly show it on the road. Also, common sense SHOULD, no doubt, come into play, as well. Now that concludes the "armchair lawyer" segment of the article...

So, by threatening the people of Minnesota through television PSA's (certain ones actually getting so "clever" as to show troopers painted into the walls of buildings to catch those enjoying an evening out) and setting up 'stings' around the busier pubs, the police and the MN government are hurting businesses, clearing out the streets at night (namely, weekends) and further proving to the rest of the country that we, here, are definitely NOT a 'hot spot' as far as night life is concerned. Take New Years Eve for instance. DUI enforcement is upped so drastically that nobody dares go out and enjoy it. Just stay home and watch people in New York and Hollywood enjoy the festivities because they aren't repressed to the point of chasing their citizens off the streets, brandishing the impedance of arrest.

Because the state of Minnesota squanders it's financial resources (ie. tax payer money) on impractical luxuries like massive, futuristic football stadiums and "bicycle friendly" advances for the mere sake of bragging rights, alcohol use is, in turn, demonized in favor of revenue collecting. The most ironic part: a state that has to endure harsh winter hurdles 9-months out of the year has their options further suppressed by the unsympathetic iron fist of the law. In my mind, Minnesota should reinvent itself as the Indoor Night Life Capital of the Country. I can't think of a better way for MN to "embrace" the frigid, winter temperatures AND draw in tourism than to erect the best, most hip bars, night clubs and music venues in the U.S. Try to pull in some L.A. socialites and the Vegas crowds who would be willing to brave the unfamiliar, unforgiving climate to have a good time. Instead, Minnesota chooses to go the complete opposite direction and repel anyone from ever crossing the state's boarder by discouraging fun to the absolute extreme. Good job. So during the miserable peak of winter, all you're allowed to do is go to work, then go home.

Again, I'm not encouraging drunk driving, but it has gotten to the point in Minnesota where you are almost guaranteed to be pulled over after dark, regardless of how stone-sober you are or how well you are driving because of the state's jarringly oppressive "crack down" on fun. It's all due to one of the most asinine procedures an authoritative entity can employ: zero tolerance. Hence, "buzzed driving IS drunk driving". Zero tolerance grants a governing body the excuse to treat you unfairly, as well as the freedom to rule out judgment calls when approaching certain situations. It allows for laziness in determining the extent of ones "crime" and how it should be handled justly. They're basically rewriting laws in their favor.

In all, Minnesota needs to get their priorities straight and lighten up on fun restrictions. Yeah, if someone is driving erratically then bust them, but these sneaky police tactics and overall trepidation toward alcohol they are attempting to instill in Minnesotans is much too archaic and tyrannical.

-Flotsam

Things Minnesota Does "Best": Minnesota Nice

Wikipedia's article for the term defines "Minnesota nice" as "the stereotypical behavior of people born and raised in Minnesota to be courteous, reserved, and mild-mannered". This is definitely a befitting nutshell of what this means, however, I choose not to use the phrase "Minnesota nice", but instead, "Minnesota doormat" since I feel that sums it up in a much more pragmatic sense.

Hearing the words "Minnesota nice" used by anyone to describe the state's residents always sends a chill of utter embarrassment down my spine. Whether it be Minnesotans, themselves, boastfully proclaiming this disparaging title amongst one another or those from elsewhere who facetiously refer to Minnesotans, as a whole, as "nice".

Now, I know what you're probably thinking: So what? What's wrong with being acknowledged as a state full of friendly people? Well, for starters, it's a complete lie. Minnesotans, in general, are not nicer than people from any other state in the country. Crime is still a factor. Gang violence and murders still occur. Children are abducted. School and workplace shootings take place. Domestic abuse exists. Rapes. Just like anywhere else. And aside from actual crime, just go out for a walk or to the store. I've never noticed everyone being overtly pleasant or nice. Minnesotans aren't walking around smiling for no reason. People are CIVIL as many regular folks are in day-to-day life. You will encounter the much-too-chipper department store cashier or someone who will hold the door for you as you're walking into the bank, but this is nothing that is specific to Minnesota "culture". The majority of people in America are just decent enough. Decent may not be overwhelmingly "nice", but decent is a common behavior anywhere.

Another reason the "Minnesota nice" label tenses me up every time it is secreted from someone's ignorant vernacular brings me back to my "doormat" rephrasing. It makes the citizens of Minnesota come across as small town bumpkins whom you can take advantage of and push around. Just look at the well known 'slogans' other states/cities have, such as "If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere" and "Don't mess with Texas". Also, "Chicago: Second to none". These places insist that they are strong, industrious and not to be messed with. What is Minnesota? Friendly and welcoming. Cheerful and modest. Cuddly and naive. The stereotype gives off the false impression that ALL Minnesota residents are hospitable to a fault. That we're sheltered, simple and all have pies cooling on the window sill. MN has decided to write itself off as "soft" and fully embrace this as something endearing when it really just makes them a joke. Just like that dweeby kid you knew in elementary school who was always mocked behind his back, but still laughed along at his own expense because he was just happy to be noticed. That's MN.

Local Celeb Spotlight: Leah McLean

If you like feeling as though you're in pre-school when you tune into the local evening news, than Leah McLean will no doubt make your mouth water for some non-toxic paste at nap time.

A current anchor at the 5 Eyewitness News desk who has been a part of the KSTP station for over 10 years, McLean is a "unique" kind of broadcaster... She quite literally secretes "Minnesota nice" from every pore. Her inordinate perkiness doesn't just come in the form of verbal pandering - the likes of which will surly be found on any and every local media syndicate, nationwide - but in her facial visage, as well. Her tendency to over-enunciate and crinkle her face to the clout of each story can only make a viewer of even reasonable intelligence feel as though they are being talked down to as if they were a special needs child. This type of lilt is more suited for reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar to a classroom of 6-year olds, which is where Leah McLean belongs.

-Flotsam

Minnesota: A State Ruled By Pigskins and Meatheads

This is a tough one because I know it exists everywhere, but the extent of it's damaging effect on ignorant minds is undoubtedly much more tenacious in the upper-Midwest toilet, known as Minnesota. Those of you who think I'm 'reaching' when it comes to this topic need to understand the cultural dominance that professional sports has on Minnesota and it's poor, unenlightened citizens. If your state is rife with boundless sports insanity then start your own blog, but I'm here to point out the faults of one, in particular, so I'm going to do that right now...

The Twin Cities has a handful of big league teams and it's all that matters to them. I'll admit I don't know much about Minnesota sports, let alone the teams that reside in other states across America, but, from the looks of it, Minnesota has a major league team for almost every sport there is. This is because MN is obviously a very 'sports friendly' state, due to the fact that the local government consists of clueless philistines who dissuade producers from making Hollywood movies here (remember Gran Torino? Yeah.) and the overall art scene being dominated by the rich and elderly.

Live for it! Let it consume you!

Minnesota figures that, instead of striving to open up new opportunities for their residents and boost the comprehensive 'allure' for people from other parts of the country, they will simply stick exclusively to their good ol' fail-safe: professional sports. What this does, in turn, is shut many potential "doors" for those who wish to pursue something outside of the realm of athletics and/or just aren't that into watching sports. If you want a shot at being a reasonably successful actor, your most favorable option would be to leave Minnesota. If you want to be a stand-up comedian/comedy writer/screen writer/etc., you need to leave MN because your potential is extremely limited. Again, the state doesn't have the time, money or interest in getting on the "map" as far as non-athletics is concerned.

This isn't the only manner in which Minnesota citizens are burdened by the autocratic, overvalued megacorp grip of major league sports conglomerates. We have all these teams and these teams need stadiums! Not just any stadiums! Top-of-the-line stadiums, equipped with all of the newest and most expensive in technological advances to ensure the utmost in comfort and convenience while those multi-millionaires chase that ball around a patch of grass. Empty those pockets, tax-payers.

Not nearly big enough!

It's a surreal concept to me when politics apply so heavily to what is, in total essence, a form of fleeting entertainment. A game. The same kind of game kids play for fun after school. Seeing governors and state representatives standing at podiums next to billionaire team owners, talking about legislation and passing bills to erect monstrous arenas to house Nike and Bud Light advertisements, all surrounding an activity so trivial to the lives of it's cretinous spectators.

An undeniable cause for my contempt for Minnesota-grown sports fanaticism is, of course, related to my general lack of appreciation for sports culture. That said, I honestly don't mind people anywhere just liking what they like. I just resent the sovereignty this state bestows upon athletes and their greedy, soulless organizations. But when they get to Minnesota, it's like shooting fish in a barrel. Walk around, say, any big outdoor event in Minnesota and take notice of the local people's apparel. For every one AC/DC, Iron Maiden, Batman, Transformers or even Garfield shirt or hat, you'll see a dozen or so Twins, Vikings, Gophers or Wild emblems proudly emblazoned on people's clothes. Oversize jerseys on middle-age men, sporting the number of reprehensible child abuser and charity fraudster, Adrian Peterson, as if they were (or wanted to be) his high school sweetheart. They can only dream...

Pride in your physical appearance is clearly frowned upon.

I guess when it comes down to it, majority rules. But what does that say about the majority of Minnesota residents and their one-track minds so narrowly fixated on something so monotonous that, in all, does nothing for them but fuel a false sense of local "pride" based on the accomplishments and earnings of others.

-Flotsam

A Daily Dose of Minnesota Nice... LIVE!

One of my favorite things about Minnesota is local television. One of the best is a show called "Twin Cities Live". This is basically an infomercial parading as a talk show, in which all the interesting guests are the sponsors plugging their wares.

The hosts currently consist of Steve Patterson and Elizabeth Ries who seem to think this is the best thing since Oprah. They profile such 'hot topics' as: where to find the best greasy burger or they critique women's fashion, in which you can almost see Patterson's penis disappear.

Liz panders to everything, no matter how insignificant; usually referring to it as "so fun".

I can only feel embarrassment for all of us when someone from Chicago, New York or Los Angeles is visiting here and has the misfortune of turning this on and get the 'small town' feel we really need go lose in order to become a major metropolitan player.

In the end, all "Twin Cities Live" needs is a farm report.

-Max

Local Celeb Spotlight: Gov. Mark Dayton

One of my favorite Minnesota 'celebs' is our own governor, Mark Dayton. We really love to punish ourselves; we elected this boob twice.

First of all, this guys wants to raise taxes on us over a one billion dollar windfall, all so he can put an i-Pad in the lap of every pre-school kid.

Next, he fought legalizing medical marijuana only on the basis that law enforcement opposed it. Wait a minute, do MAKE the laws or ENFORCE them?

This guy repeatedly suffers from depression, alcoholism and what is with the facial spasms? Stroke? And we want him to run the state? God help us.

Finally, he wasn't satisfied with just saddling us with the tab for a new football stadium - he wants his parting legacy to be five-digit raises for his crony commissioners. Let's do better next time.

-Max